Forming a bond with your baby

Your rela onship with your baby starts during pregnancy and it’s the time when a lifelong attachment begins. by Dr Sue Emmy Jennings

Emotions get in the way of serious thought: thinking is prized over feeling; logic over intuition. This is the received wisdom that we have lived with for centuries. Women, especially, have been stereotyped as “all emotions”, especially during pregnancy and periods, and they are given strong painkillers and epidurals if childbirth is too painful. There are books suggesting that women are from Venus and men from Mars to explain this thought/feeling split. The following is a brief description of another perspective and its importance in early infant development.

Brain and Body

Research demonstrates that our early brain function is dependant on our social interaction with our mother or primary carer. This loving interaction is a two-way communication, at first through touch, sound and gaze. The social interaction influences the development of the social brain, and without this interaction, the brain will not fully develop. Observation of Romanian orphans has shown that the emotional and social neglect actually causes holes in the brain, in the neo-cortex.

Stressful experiences such as separation from the “feeder and carer”, increase the release of the “fear-chemical” in the brain, and make an infant wary and distressed. The social function of the brain does not develop until after we are born: we have the potential but it develops through our interactions. “Good emotional ‘immunity’ comes out of the experience of feeling safely held, touched, seen and helped to recover from stress, whilst the stress response is undermined by separation, uncertainty, lack of contact and lack of regulation.” (Gerhardt 2004)

Playful Pregnancy

Throughout history we have needed to “make sense” of the world around us: we discover the rules of the universe and the need for the social group. So we tell stories and imitate through ritual, drama and dance, our view of the world and our shared place within it. However, this starts much earlier when we start to make sense of our world a few months after conception. Play and creativity in our relationship with our unborn child commences very early.

Our relationship with our baby usually starts during pregnancy when that small flutter occurs which indicates the beginning of movement. That butterfly wing sensation is often referred to as “quickening”, meaning that the baby is a living being. Now that the baby is felt to exist, the relationship between mother and baby begins to develop. This relationship, if supported and encouraged, will create the roots for a healthy attachment once the baby is born.

During pregnancy many women do report that they talk to their unborn child, tell him or her secrets and daydreams, stories and gossip. Often they will talk to their baby and answer themselves as if they are the baby: a private piece of drama indeed. The mother is establishing what I call the “dramatised relationship” which means that initially the mother takes on fun and playful roles in relation to the unborn which are slowly established between mother and newborn.

Many women will also do very specific exercise such as yoga or swimming, and will take time to massage their abdomens, to benefit their infant – not just to guard against stretch marks! Women will also sing to their child, and cradle, rock and gently pat. All of these positive sensations can be sensed by the infant, and are the beginnings of a healthy attachment.

Making sense of the world around us happens through our senses and commences before we are born. We can sense temperature, sound, rhythm, touch and emotional changes while we are still in the womb and our mothers have a profound effect on our well-being through her own sensory experience. The telling of soothing stories and the playing of calming music can all influence the state of trust and tranquillity for mother and her unborn child.

The Birth

‘And did you sing as I came into the world? As you opened the door for me to come into the light? Sing at my birth and for all babies as they start their journey on this earth.” This ancient chant from the Nordic goddess of birthing, Uks Akka, reminds us of the ritual and creativity that needs to be present at childbirth. The increase in the use of birth pools and mothers wanting to give birth at home illustrates our desire for a less sanitised and technological birth experience. The birthing pool creates a continuation of the “safe waters”, helps to alleviate some of the extreme pain, and provides an immediate context for warm bonding through smell, touch and sound.

Early playing

Some research has shown that certain painkillers and epidurals, which are often given during birth can dull the attachment process: ‘Infants who are exposed to epidurals can have behaviour difficulties in the first few days after birth. They can be more irritable and hard to console and may be less responsive. Additionally the bonding between parents and the baby can be disturbed, which has life-long consequences for the parent-child relationship” (McCormick 1997) Parents who feel they have some control over the birth of their child, will also feel they have some control over the life of the baby after it is born: making choices and setting boundaries. Being dictated to by authoritarian doctors and nurses and lack of affirmation by professionals, can undermine new parents confidence.

Parents who do not belong to a supportive network or mothers who are on their own often struggle “to get it right” and end up feeling failures. All of these feelings are communicated to the infant. A mother who feels depressed or inadequate will discover that their child experiences similar feelings. We need to find more ways of being supportive during pregnancy.

The early days and months

The baby begins to make sense of the world through the sensory experience with the mother. The physical and emotional surge, which is the focus of the early weeks and months, creates the joyousness and excitement of primary play through the senses, especially through smell and touch. These sensory experiences, a kind of proto-play, create the primary attachment between mother and child but they also have a biological basis. As Cozolino (2002) states: “The warm and happy feelings; the desire to hold, touch, and nurse; the pain of separation and the joy and excitement of reunion all have neurochemical correlates that allow us to experience these wonderful feelings. Through a bio-chemical cascade, mother-child interactions stimulate the secretion of oxytocin, prolactin, endorphins, and dopamine, which create positive and rewarding feelings.’

This sensory proto-play is necessary for the development of healthy attachments and the expansion of the child’s place in the social world. The singing and the storytelling that started during pregnancy continue in the early weeks. Playfulness is an important way of strengthening attachment.

Primal gaze

Infants notice faces and their expressions within hours of being born and quickly recognise the face of their primary carer: detecting moods and times of being “switched off”. Faces smile at newborns and very soon the infant smiles back, (at one time considered by psychologists to be “wind”). The “primal gaze” between mother and infant of love and acceptance not only makes a social impact, it also contributes to the growth of the brain. Although babies are initially responding through smell, touch and sound, sight becomes increasingly significant, both in their social development as well as their brain development. Maybe the saying: “Out of sight, out of mind” takes on a new significance for us.

Reflections

In this brief account I have shown how the relationship between mother and child during pregnancy and labour make an impact on the healthy growth of the infant. Furthermore, there is a powerful connection between social development and brain development: early positive regard between infant and mother helps to build the brain after the birth. It is important that this relationship is playful and dramatised and involves a range of sensory experience, including “natural smell” (Jennings 2004), touch, music and, of course, the loving interactive gaze between parent and the infant, especially in the early weeks.

Storytelling on the shoulder

‘I can just feel your breath like the touch of a feather against my cheek I can feel your heart against my heart, the patter and the bumps! I can see you face gazing into mine: rest peacefully, I am here’.*
(from the “Storytelling Workshop for Pregnancy and Motherhood”, Glastonbury, Somerset)

References

Cozolino, L. The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy. London: WW Norton, 2002
Gerhardt, S. Why Love Matters: how affection shapes a baby’s brain.
Hove: Brunner-Routledge, 2004
Jennings, S. Introduction to Developmental Playtherapy: Playing and Health.
London: Jessica Kingsley, 1999
Jennings, S. ‘Playlore: The Roots of Humanity’ in Play for Life. Autumn, 2003
Jennings, S. Creative Storytelling with Children at Risk. Bicester: Speechmark, 2004
McCormick, S. Archive on Painkillers and Childbirth, ICS Usenet, 1997

Dr Sue Jennings is a play therapist and state-registered dramatherapist who works in Somerset with parents and children, and in Romania with orphans and Roma families (visit www.rowanromania.com for more information). She also works in psychiatric units where extreme disturbance is seen to have links with early damaged attachments. She has published over 20 books on the importance of drama and play, both in therapy and infant development.
For more information, visit:
Website: www.suejennings.com
E-mail: drsue@suejennings.com.

Telling stories Before your baby is born Sit comfortably with your back supported: Wrap your arms round your belly and gently rock, humming soothing music Using pure almond oil, gently massage your belly with both hands, make big circles Using your finger tips, make “rain drops” all over your belly, slowly, then faster, then slow again Tell your unborn baby a fairy story that you enjoyed as a child, playing patterns on your belly as you talk After your baby is born Sit comfortably, with your baby on your right shoulder: Holding your baby with your left arm, slowly massage his or her back with your right hand, making circles In the same position, gently rock from side to side or backwards and forwards as you sing a gentle song With your baby on your knee, supported with one arm, gently press each limb with your fingers and thumb of the other arm. Work down from shoulder to wrist and each leg from thigh to ankle, then gentle press the chest, tummy, hands and feet When you bathe your baby use the opportunity to massage gently, including the head Try to make time for some massage and some rocking each day, and storytelling as often as you can. Spend some of the time with your baby on your shoulder and some time face to face on your lap. Your baby responds to your smiling face and will recognise it and feel reassured. Try not to present a tense or distressed face to your baby. In a few weeks, you can make simple role plays with your baby as you tell a story and imitate movements and different voices. For example you can tell the story of: When the Winds Came: Baby is out in the pram in the park, watching the clouds move across the sky (gently move your hands across your baby’s skin or make the cloud movement that he or she can watch) The wind starts to blow (rock gently back and forth); They blow stronger (rock more but holding your baby very securely) Then the rains come (finger tips up and down your baby’s legs and arms) And more (continue) Then the sun comes out again and you feel warm (blow “Hah” to create warm air on your baby’s face or tummy) (from Stories for Nearly Borns and Newborns)

 

 

 

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