All quiet on the home front

Sibling rivalry is frustrating for parents and children alike. Follow our guide to keeping the peace

“MUM” they screamed “Make him stop!” “That’s enough!” shouted Mum. “Go to your bedrooms, both of you.” Henry and Peter heaved their heavy bones upstairs to their rooms. “It’s all your fault,” said Henry
“It’s your fault,” said Peter.

Quote from Horrid Henry’s Underpants by Francesca Simon

Arguing and bickering in siblings can cause great concern, frustration and heartache to parents. Why can’t children be kind and friendly to each other, support and encourage one another and be there in times of need?

These emotions are usually misplaced: the way our children behave with each other now won’t be the same for life. Sibling conflict is a routine part of growing up in a family environment, but there are ways to help parents cope.

Here are some tips to help maintain peace and harmony at home:

• Remember that it is important for siblings to be able to express their feelings and frustrations. It is a fact that children can annoy each other. Don’t talk them out of their feelings – they will be less upset if their feelings are acknowledged – but do teach them not to behave cruelly or dangerously.
• Don’t make comparisons. (“I’ve written all my thank you letters”’, said Perfect Peter. “Well done, Peter” said Mum. ”Thank goodness one of my children has good manners.” ”I always write mine the moment I unwrap a present. I’m a good boy, aren’t I?” ”The Best” said Mum.) These intensify jealousy and often cause the child who is out of favour to want to get even with his/her sibling. Each child needs to be given individual goals and expectations.
• If your children always want the thing that their sister or brother is playing with and they end up squabbling , set up a rotation system or allow privileges for good behaviour.
• Tell children about the special qualities that make them unique. It is a mistake to treat all children equally – when one gets something so does the other – as they will always find something that is unfair and expect more. This can cause more arguments, rather than less. Try to react to children according to their individual needs.
• Whenever possible, let siblings work out their disagreements themselves; trying to settle their differences is impossible and taking sides will only make things worse. In the early days of sibling rivalry or with very young children, explain why certain behaviour is wrong but don’t get involved. After a few fights the argument will soon settle down quickly. More often than not, children’s arguments are intended to get their parents’ attention.

If sibling conflict does move into a more serious situation of physical fighting, the first step is to separate them until they are calm and can explain the argument, who started it, what each other wants, and so on. Acknowledge both their feelings and suggest a route forward. This is an important lesson resolving any conflict now or in later life. If a child is being teased, suggest ways to handle the situation by rising above it, ignoring it, or moving away from it, if necessary by asking an adult to intervene.

You may find that setting up role play at home to cope with these situations, should they occur, is useful. It is important to teach children as young as possible to share, that each has an equal turn to play and never to use physical violence if they become angry.

In the majority of cases, children will bicker and squabble as part of growing up and learning about each other’s boundaries. It teaches them how to get along better with each other, to share and to face jealousy, to solve problems and accept individual strengths and weaknesses, thus preparing children for the future.

 

 

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